Our Great City

Submitted By: Kweethai Neill & Steve Stork of

iHealth -Center for Integrated Wellness

Wanna gross out your kid on Valentine’s Day? In a public place, with lots of people around, say the three words everyone wants to hear, “Child, I am in love with you.” See how many cell phones speed-dial Child Protective Services.

There is a big difference between “I love you” and “I am in love with you.”

One is a state and the other is a trait. That is important because a state is temporary, while a trait is relatively permanent.

Being “in love” is a romantic state. Romanticism is fun, but hard to sustain. Soap operas provide a fairly realistic portrayal of what it means to be “in love.” Characters express ardent desires yet fall prey to roving eyes. While professing undying love for one partner, they seem unable to resist the enticement of another. The grass is always greener on the other side of the bedroom.

“Love” is hard work and, frankly, boring. It doesn’t make for very good theater. In fact, ask a couple married four or five decades why their marriage has lasted and you get a vanilla response, “We just made it work.” Probe a little deeper and you hear, “We promised to love and honor,” which became traits of the relationship.

If you have teenagers you have at one time or another probably resorted to a form of, “There are times when I do not understand you, and even find it hard to like you. But never doubt that I love you.” In other words, “I love you” conveys a trait that resists change, overcomes conflict and disagreement, and adapts over time to changes within the individuals.

Conveying love to a child in that way tells them you have their best interests in heart. Love keeps the lines of communication open, even when parent or child act in ways that drive the other to distraction. And in a committed relationship, the same can be true between adults.

Being “in love” is less permanent. It changes on a whim. It ends with sometimes even a minor conflict or disagreement. And, it is based on immutable ideals that, when proven wrong, terminate the relationship, i.e., “I thought you were perfect, but you are not.”

The ability to discriminate between “I love you” and “I am in love with you” defines relationships. The key difference is in what you “do.” Do you experience love (noun) or do you love (verb)?

“In love” (the noun) is an experience. It is life in the moment. You take no responsibility for it because it seems to have a life of its own. The lexicon of “falling” in and out of love supports the notion that it is sudden, unanticipated, capricious and uncontrollable; also, that it can only experienced in extremes, as if the god of love flicks an On/Off switch.

In contrast, “love” (the verb), as in “I love you,” refers to your actions relative to the person you profess to love. Not that those actions always have predictable results. Some people are better or worse at giving and receiving love, making communication the most important act of love. In other words, love is a skill that benefits from constant practice and feedback. While “falling in love” is based on luck, “loving” reflects effort.

This Valentine’s Day, share acts of love. Saying “I love you” is a nice place to start, but it does not require meaningful effort. So, find a new way to show it. Surprise your Valentine with something of unique significance. Think beyond passion and the bedroom. In other words, how might you express your respect, admiration, appreciation, etc. for the person you love in a way that would not make a child think, “Oh, yuck”?